A funny thing happened while I was doing laundry today! I was folding my array of T-shirts and I realized that I was seeing an awesome theme!!! I was very excited and had also realized in that moment just how much I have grown into being my true authentic self over the past few years.....what a journey this has been! I know you are all probably thinking right about now..."What the Heck is she taking about?" LOL Well let me back up a little bit and I will explain what I was reflecting on.
Let's go back in time! We all have stories about our childhood, the magical time when everything was possible! These are important and formative years in our lives. During this period is when we start taking in information from all kinds of sources, our parents, our grandparents, other kids, siblings, family members, teachers, TV and now even the internet...there are so many influences to choose from. We already know who we are and early on we have never even had the first thought to question it until....someone outside of ourselves provides new information. It could be as simple as someone complimenting you or even someone making fun of you. Each one of these experiences can have huge impacts on how we see ourselves. It doesn't mean either one of them are true and if you hear enough of something from someone (or a bunch of someones) you can begin to believe that they are true, even when they are not. We start gathering information from all of these sources sometimes as young as two! This information starts piling up, we begin to believe that all of these things that other people are sharing with us are true (and some of it may be). Here is where it can get tricky. Just like anything in life, if it is being nourished, fed properly and cared for, the results created are growth, energy and the pouring out of what is being put in. A fruit tree for example, when it is being watered, gets sunlight, it will produce delicious fruit. Now, the same is true when something is being neglected, abused, made fun of and disregarded. Keep in mind it is not just one instance that creates each result, it is a collection of repeated behavior. Imagine a puddle, it took LOTS of little drips of water to create it.
Now, back to my own personal experience and the reason I started this whole story in the first place :) When I was in elementary school, I believe first or second grade, I was dealing with a lot of internal "stuff" related to the sexual abuse happening to me at home. My teachers would get onto me about daydreaming in class. I was having trouble fitting in with the other students. My parents weren't helping the situation by taking me out of school for various reasons. These reasons varied from they wanted to go fishing for a couple days, to my dad had a job in another state and we had to go with him for a week or so at a time. So, I missed a lot of school and felt like an outsider most of the time, even at home. I LOVED school, learning and I wanted to have friends so badly!! Although, I had missed lots of school, I was a very advanced student. The teachers and principle had decided that my daydreaming was due to me being bored in class and that I needed to be challenged. So, they decided to place me in an advanced class. This of course did not help with the friend situation at all. In fact, it had made it worse! At first, I excelled in class, I was really enjoying the challenge and felt very proud of myself for being so smart lol! As a student in the advanced class you didn't get to share the same recess as the other students, we were kept separated from the rest of the student body. We even had our own playground away from them. The other kids in the advanced class already had their own friend groups and were not accepting any new ones and the kids from my other classroom now made fun of me for being too smart! This whole situation created a whole new set of issues that would later be documented in my school records history as "Candy has an issue with authority" as I was beginning to challenge my teachers and principle. I was feeling isolated and stressed out!! I guess in my child's brain I had decided that if I started failing in this class they would have to send me back to the other class and then maybe things would get better again. That is exactly what happened, I started giving up...the teachers and the principle decided that since I was not keeping up in the class that I would be better off going back to my previous classroom. I returned to my "daydreaming" days...what a relief! From that point on I managed my school work to just get by. I eventually made a couple of friends and then of course my parents would move us again, so they wouldn't last long anyway. Moving would become a pattern to avoid any of us kids getting very close to anyone because if anyone got very close they would know about the secrets being hidden.
It wasn't until I was in my teens and was told by my therapist that I had developed the best "daydreaming" coping skills she had ever seen. She added that these skills were probably the only thing that protected me during some of the most traumatic events of my childhood. I had believed most of my life that "daydreaming" and living in "fantasy land" were bad things! This was the first time in my life that I had proof that this was actually my gift! Now, it would take me years to actually believe it lol. I had plenty of people after that who would still try to use it against me and I have continued to attract more of the people I want in my life who encourage me to be a "Daydreamer"!!! Ask anyone who knows me....I create my own reality...some people call that "Fantasy land" and I am totally ok with that!!
By the way, the T-shirts I first mentioned are pictured here....this is what they say "I'm a dreamer"..."I Live In Fantasyland" and "Igniting Dreams"!!! Proof to me that I am truly living in my purpose <3