Today, I woke up with the sunshine flowing through the sheer white curtains here on the bus, in our cozy little bedroom. It is a new day, I get to start over. I get to let go of the failures, disappointments, sadness and a dream that will never be. I keep thinking to myself "how can you be grieving something that never happened?" As I shared in my previous blog post, having a baby and sharing the whole pregnancy experience with Joshua has been a dream of ours for about 8 years. A little more than a week ago, I went to a clinic while we were moving through a small town on tour, to get my blood drawn to test my hormone levels. This test would determine if I would be a good candidate for tubal reversal surgery or not.
For the past week, time seemed to just come to a creeping slow crawl while we anxiously waited on these results. Joshua and I were getting very anxious and excited to move forward. We have spent the last year dreaming about this goal again. There have been lots of research and waiting for the perfect time to move forward. When we saw that we had a decent break in our tour schedule for the month of October, we took that as a sign that it was time to move. Everything seemed to be happening so quickly and smoothly, we were getting so excited that this was going to work this time! For example, we found a clinic on our tour schedule route that not only fit into our budget but were very prompt in getting everything we needed to move forward within our time frame. Then located a clinic that could draw my blood on a Sunday, in a little small town at exactly the right time (the test needed to be done on the 3rd day of my cycle). If I missed this test alone it would have thrown us into missing the window needed for the surgery and recovery. Joshua ran into an old work colleague who directed him to a job where he could work while I was recovering that would not only fund the surgery but put money in the bank. All the stars seemed to be in alignment....right?!?!
All in faith, we drove to the location where Joshua would be starting the job. Got a loan to purchase a vehicle to get him back and forth to the job and to pay for immediate needs like a place to park and live in the bus while he is working. Joshua and I discussed many times before making any of these moves the possibility that this test could stop the process and we asked ourselves..."will we be ok if the answer is no?" However, how can you really know your response until you are in the moment.
Yesterday, while we were excitedly doing a bunch of our errands believing we were going to get the answer we wanted to hear..... Here I was, standing outside of a coffee shop, in the rain, I got the call. I was not prepared for the results or my reaction. I was told by the nurse we had less than a 1% chance of getting pregnant after surgery. At first I think I was in shock...I spoke very calmly and didn't really feel anything. As I ended the call and walked to meet Joshua inside, I saw his face and he thought I was coming in with good news. I quickly started to share the information with him and while doing so....ALL the emotions broke loose all at once. In one instant our hope and dream was gone....just like that. My heart was broken and Joshua's emotions were shortly behind mine. While we sat in silence drinking our coffee, me in tears that wouldn't stop coming, Joshua was communicating the results by text with our oldest daughter because their Facetime conversation was interrupted by bad Wifi once again. Soon after we texted all of our kids and other close family members anxious to hear the results too.
Last night Joshua and I processed our grief in silence for what seemed like an eternity while doing little chores and avoiding each other. Joshua finally suggested to me that we should announce our results to all of our fans, friends and family on Facebook Live. I really didn't feel like I had the strength or to be honest the desire to tell anyone at this point AND he made a great point...if it had been good news we would have shared it this way, so this shouldn't be any different. Joshua and I would like to thank everyone for the pouring out of love, prayers, virtual hugs and support while we continue to process our sadness, disappointment and grief.
Tonight, we chose to shift our energy. Joshua and I talked about how everything happens for a reason. While we were talking, we discussed how when things like this happen, it is possible we are being protected from various possible undesirable outcomes. Then we talked about all the ways we are going to move forward with excitement! Our focus on our music, touring, and growing is stronger than ever. The funds from the job that he is starting will now go into improving the bus to keep us running down the road even more successfully than before! The vehicle we purchased will get us back to Centerville to share our time and voices with our dear friend as we share our grief. I truly believe this is just a step in our journey....yes it is a closed door and sometimes the closed doors open amazing opportunities to more, better and different! I believe one day we will look back on this experience and see the blessing...today is not that day.