We have arrived on South Padre Island for the third time since we started this journey three years ago January 1! It is exciting knowing that we have survived this experience (we have definitely had our doubts at times lol). About six years ago Joshua and I sat down and really had a heart to heart conversation about what WE wanted out of life. He asked me simple questions that no one had up to that point in time ever taken the time to ask (and I never considered to ask for myself) What do you want? What makes you happy? Amazingly...right in that moment all I could think about was the beach...all the places I haven't seen yet...how do I want to be remembered? Don't get me wrong, I love my children and they were all coming to ages and stages in their own lives that they didn't need me in their daily lives on a full time basis. It was time for them to fly, learn and try things all on their own and I was excited for this new stage in all our lives....so many possibilities!!!
So, here we are on the beach...my happy place :) We take this time to reset, reflect, formulate our plan for the upcoming year...what worked, what can we do different and what's next!!!! During this time Joshua is writing his new book, creating his highly requested instrumental CD full of familiar favorites as well as some new easy listening and fun piano solos. I am also creating, writing new original music, playing guitar, catching up on some loose ends before the end of the year and booking down the road....it is all so very exciting
Joshua and I have lots of conversations and process through the message that he wants to share through his book including what results he wants to create by writing it and sharing it with others. Through this process we reflect on our own ah-ha moments and lessons we have learned through the tools we continue to use on our journey. Just the other day I shared with him something I experienced several months ago and reflecting how experiences in my past have shaped so many decisions in my life. These awarenesses are so important to understand not only how we make our decisions but "why". Our past experiences shape how we make our decisions every day and based on the result of the experience we continue to make the same decision over and over again because we now have proof from the past based on one or maybe two outcomes...so we will continue to do it over and over even if we really desire something different...fear steps in to stop us because it will be different than what we know (believe) to be true.
Here is an example of what I mean. I was abused by my father growing up, sexually, physically and emotionally (emotional abuse by both parents). Now, let me take you back to a specific moment when an experience shaped how I made my future decisions. I was fourteen years old, had my first serious boyfriend. My boyfriend, I and my little sister were sitting together watching an after school program about a girl being abused by her father in the same way my sister and I were being abused (this was actually the first time either of us realized anything about the other one) she expressed a very strong reaction. As a result of her reaction, I felt I should tell my boyfriend about this situation. At that time, my boyfriend was only 17 years old and was not emotionally prepared to deal with this kind of bombshell and expressed he didn't know how or what to do with this information. A few weeks went by, I found out that he was seeing other people behind my back...I was extremely hurt. Now pay attention this is very important!!! At that very moment in time my subconscious now found proof for, "when I am honest, being vulnerable, share my heart....people leave me." This one experience has shaped sooooo many decisions in my life and affected every relationship since. Just as an example, from that relationship forward I never shared my past with any of my partners in fear that if they new...they would leave me too. In every relationship since then I kept all my cards very close to my heart, I was guarded, only let people know just enough and never letting anyone get very close to me out of fear of being hurt and left all over again. That is until I met my husband Joshua who figured out my past, asked me to come clean and when I did created a brand new experience....love, understanding, standing by me even when at times I am not so easy to stand by lol.
As a result of this new experience...I continue to be courageous, share my heart...it's not always easy and it gets easier every time I do it!